The Best of Dorothy & Sophia (Compilation) | The Golden Girls | TV Land


(singing) You know, ma, I remember
when I was a little girl- Oh, God. Buzz off. Oh, Joe … one thing. Do I look at my mother
or at the camera? Look at the camera
and here’s a little tip: look at it like
you’re making love to it. It might help if you give her a reference
she’s more familiar with. What the hell are you
doing home? I thought you had a four o’clock
beauty parlor appointment. I did. They finished
with me early. On Christie Brinkley
they can finish early … you need every minute
they can spare. Pussycat, when you were
in junior high school, and the kids
gave you a hard time … what did I say? You told me I was extra special
and they were just jealous. And if they still gave you
a hard time, what did I tell you to say? My mother can have you
eliminated with one phone call. Dorothy, have you seen my teeth? They’re in your mouth, Ma. I know that.
Don’t they look good today? I ran them through
the dishwasher. Salvador, if you want to fool
around, take off your tee shirt. You’re going to get linguine
all over me. Ma, Ma … go back to sleep.
It’s just me, Dorothy. Get the hell out of my bed! I just hate you. I regret the day
you ever moved in here. And I regret the day
I gave birth to you! Ma, Ma … I’m your daughter. Oh, yeah. Dorothy, I’ve never told this
to anyone before … the day I left
the hospital with you, I had a gnawing feeling
in the pit of my stomach. Because you suspected
I wasn’t your daughter? No, because I was in labor
for 38 hours. And the doctor who delivered you
bought his obstetric tools from a restaurant supply store. Rose, listen, you don’t
have to do anything to please your parents. She’s right. I’d like to be proud
of Dorothy for something … but I’m not going to kill myself
if that day never comes. What are you doing? Dorothy’s going through her
high school yearbook to see who all’s dead. That’s my pussycat!
Fun, fun, fun. Oh, Ma. Look at this. A list I made of things
I wanted to do with my life. You know I had list
like that … and I’ve done most of them. Except for Burt Lancaster. I haven’t done half the things
on this list. I mean, what am I?
I am a substitute teacher … I’ll never be rich
before I’m 21, I’ll never be homecoming queen. You can still be
homecoming queen, it’ll just be
a different kind of home. Here, pussycat. Drink this.
It’ll make you feel better. Oh, Ma. Another hot toddy?
I think I’ve had enough. Shut up and drink. This is the fourth one.
Ma, that’s a lot of whiskey. I only put whiskey
in the first one. Then we ran out. Oh. The second and third were vodka. No wonder my head is spinning. This one’s part amaretto,
part Sambuca. That should kill everything. Killed your father. Dorothy, when was the last time
you had sex? It’s a very personal question. That long, huh? Dorothy, I just had
a terrible nightmare! Ma, what was it? This! Break it up. Stanley, think of me
as the Berlin Wall. Try and climb over me,
and you’ll know what barbed wire between your legs feels like! Happy Mother’s Day, Ma.
Oh, you look beautiful! Yeah, yeah, talk is cheap and so
is that buffet you’re taking me to so let’s get moving
before all the shrimp is gone. Go home and take a cold shower. No, Blanche. Not until you know
the reason why I keep telling you
that I can’t sleep with you. Look, Ma. Listen, maybe … maybe watching some TV
in another room might be a good idea. Fine, Dorothy.
But keep the volume down. That is why Blanche
ran out of gas. You’ve been driving her car,
hadn’t you? You know how embarrassing it is
to drive a car with a bumper sticker that says,
“So many men, so little time”? Ma, I never needed you more. I’m about to do something
that is very important to me. I mean, I could
fall flat on my face! Fall the other way.
It’s funnier.

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